It was the fantastic starting of today, when my mom told me about the person who has selected as groom for my eldest sister. If all will go with ease, we will get nice new relatives very soon. After a long time I could see the natural smile on my mom’s face. One thing I would like to share here with the readers that all the words written by me here is my personal feelings and not fake. So if anybody who believed that this is just for having sympathy from others is very wrong thing and removes it from your mind. I have ever mentioned here that please don’t read my blog if you don’t like this. This blog is my personal diary and I have given rights to my believed wife and my friends who care for me and living so far in other countries. I am really very sorry if I have hurt you anywhere.
As per my experience path of my life is full of mixed things. Some where I have got Flowers and fragrance on it and some where hard stones which made my feet bleeding. Some where I have got cold pleasant environment and some where I have got flames of fire. Some where I have got nice friends and some where enemies in form of friends. Some where I have got moments to laugh and some where I have got tears. Some people came and gone I have never mind them, but some people has created their memories in my mind and heart for life time. Here, I would like to mention my best friend’s name that died in bike accident on Highway by unexpected reason, May God Bless his ….Spirit. He was Tushar Trivedi, my dynamic brother. Always lived in his style and admire my deeds. He was the person who has ever inspired me to be religious and believe in God and destiny. His Grandpa had given me four “Vedas” the main books of our religion. He made me to believe in numerology and astrology. I believe in numerology only, but not in astrology. It was the time when I had seen happiness of my life very nearly. It was the days when we were ever found on beach whole day. My interest in western music was so high. My living style was very different from Indian culture. My thoughts about life were so advance. I had never guessed about my current situation in past. I want the shoulder on which I can cry and tell my pain. I remember my dynamic brother at this situation. But it was my destiny to lose him. I am roaming in my city like zombie, my legs are walking but where are they going can’t realize? I had never liked crowded places but my work is in the city and I have to face the crowd, which is the most disgusting activity of my day life. I like the night when I am alone on my terrace with bollywood music. But sometime the rain makes me miserable.
Some where I have met some people who had impressed me with their behavior and their nature. I have always split my friends groups in different manners. I had never mixed them with each other. Some friends who are really very near to my heart and were never disclosed to people and they wanted that too. But all has come out when I have fallen in love. Wherever I am looking she is there. I have tried so many times to look at beautiful ladies around me, but nobody could erase her from my mind. I have tried so many times to concentrate on my studies but I have got failure. I can’t feel the environment of rainy days, opposite that I feel burning from inside. My intuitions are saying to me that I have lived enough days of the life. But my mind is leading me to become a hero of the corporate sector. My hands are working with mouse and key board till the work is being done. My clients tell me I am doing the work as never before. They are feeling I am giving them the artistic work, but I could not realizing what is going on, Because I am not in me. I am driving and reaching to my office, my classes, clients etc. But I wait for night daily in my day time.
Some body has tried to realized that she has sacrificed her life for me, but I would like to tell her I have never told to anybody in this world that sacrifice yourself for me. I have never expected my love as living in my home with me and live rest of her life like normal Indian housewives. I have always dreamed that I will earn a lot of money and travel around the world with her. But she has chosen her life path and my life path is not her choice…..ever. I don’t want to dominate my love on her and never wanted her to sacrifice her desires for me or my love. Even I would like to pray the God to satisfy all her desires. If she wanted to be international celebrity please make her way clean for that destination. Before my death I would like to see her very happy with her own family. She looks very beautiful in all colors but liked her in blue very much. Her smile can give happiness to all the people around her.
I can just imagine her in my dreams and thoughts. It was the day when she had made her place in my heart when she smiled only to me and seen in to my eyes. I have seen into her heart by her eyes. She has so beautiful heart and full of love. But I had made big mistake while writing some events happened in my life. I had described very bad words said by my bad friends same as they had told me. I am still feeling very sorry whenever think about them. May be she can forgive me for that but I can’t forgive myself for that. I am burning in this fire that I had told her those words which are, even enemies never deserved. God has punished me for that.
My life path has become full of fire and I have to walk on it. This fire is burning me each moment and my heart hates me. I don’t deserve anybody’s love in this life. I have believed her as my wife but no any lady deserves the bad words I had described here. She is awesome and her personality is so beautiful that anybody can be attracted by her. I am an ordinary man who was fallen in love with her is not the big matter for her and her admirers. But she is my everything and this will be in my heart till lifetime. I am going to close myself in one place. I will close all the door which are reaching to me. Nobody will be allowed in that closed place. It will the place where me and her memories will be alone. I will laugh and cry with those memories. I don’t need her images to remember her. I can still seeing her smiling in blue saree, She was walking in lawn and her hair was flying in cool wind, I can see her big eyes decorated by mascara. I can’t forget her as she is living in my sub-conscious mind. Because when I awake from asleep before opening eyes I can memorize her and while sleeping her memories are there in my mind. I am happy with her memories.
Yesterday I went to her place where I met my believed sister. She asked me that I was looking so weak. I could not say anything, but just smiled. Why people asking me about my health I don’t know. But whenever I see myself in mirror I want to kill myself very badly. Because I remember that I have insulted my love……my “Madness”…….My life……!!!
So my life path is full of fire and I have to walk on it. Again, I AM VERY….. VERY……. VERY….. SORRY for all those words which must be never used for you my “DARLING” …….. my “SWEETHEART”…..!!! You will never know my pain as I will never say it to you in this life. If we will meet again in this life, I would like to join both hand with tied in one another’s fingers and say you “SORRY” and will kiss your feet. Please forgive me for all that which I have written being unconscious about it.
“I AM REALLY ….VERY ………VERY ………VERY ……….SORRY….!!!”
“PLEASE ………FORGIVE ME………MY LOVE ……….MY EMPRESS …………MY “MADNESS”…….!!!
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